Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I’d … I’d rather not.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too