Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
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I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Midwest trash talk
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’