Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
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No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me when I hear gossip
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.