Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
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Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
“Great, now I have to pee.”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with