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Memoirs of a Fish Stick

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com