Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Stop sending me this shit.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…