ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys