ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
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3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
decorating my apartment
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
