Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

this is the greatest thing ever

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit