Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
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[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
wut hotdog?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet