Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
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It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
The devil.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.