Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
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Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”![]()
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice