Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
You Might Also Like
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one