An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
You’ll be OK
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
August 8
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.