If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
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*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian