Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
😂🍻
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
they should invent a hydrating liquor
