Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Tuesday
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Banking tips
Wait a second…
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
