Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I might carry a baby with one hand.

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

an airline just for babies.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.