Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

Breaking news:

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.