Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.