Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
