Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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lmao😭🤣
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Human are so complicated
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”