Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

Me when I try to be useful

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…