ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
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Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….