Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…