Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it