Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

You might just have to resign…

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE