ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
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Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!