Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées