Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes![]()
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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