Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.