ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
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Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
How funny!
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.