Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.