Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Friday
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital