Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me