ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
This is no longer winter this is harassment
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
But wait…
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
TODAY
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big