Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

I only look at Wordle for the articles

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.