Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
![]()
You Might Also Like
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke