Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question