Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

why neck hurt

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh