Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so funny

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

Respect

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.