Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

thinking about this

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

Yup!

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why