Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

presenting your incognito window wrapped

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

I enjoy a good short stor

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.