me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
You Might Also Like
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.