me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
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parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
everyone’s a critic
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I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this![]()
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/