me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
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Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call