me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
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[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
