me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
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oh my god
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut