ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*