Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

selena gomez

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf