Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
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Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree