Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

Hang in there buddy

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Priorities

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.