Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

My birth announcement for our third baby