Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.