Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
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You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?