me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Well. That’s not a good sign.
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It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.