Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.