Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
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It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
From Facebook just now…
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Writing, She Murdered.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.