ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
License and registration please.
Are you drunk sir?
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
This oatmeal tastes like I’m gonna need a doughnut.
You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
“I’m turning over a new leaf”
-Adam telling Eve that he’s seeing another woman
God: They’re called mosquitos
Angel: I see
God: They suck people’s blood
Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?
God: *shrugs* Makes em itch