Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
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KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
me before I type out affect or effect
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.