@ValeeGrrl

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

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@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

@TheAlexNevil

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

@rivetingbonmots

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

@FreudsTwin

I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

@boring_as_heck

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

@Ivsy01

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

@amishschool

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

@batkaren

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

@TweetPotato314

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney