@ValeeGrrl

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

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@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

@Amusitr0n

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

@shadygrenade

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

@SamuelHLowe

You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.

@OrangeFact

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

@ddsmidt

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

@SamDelanche

“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam telling Eve that he’s seeing another woman

@thedadvocate01

God: They’re called mosquitos

Angel: I see

God: They suck people’s blood

Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?

God: *shrugs* Makes em itch