Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.