Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

respect

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good