Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.