Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

So many pants.
So little yoga.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.