Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.