Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

how to have fun when you’re poor

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”