Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
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Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Möther may I have a snäck
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Snapes on a plane.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
what could possibly go wrong?
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.