Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

Optional boss fight.

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Me driving through Toronto

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits