ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
work smarter, not harder
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
They’re on their honeymoon
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK