Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.