Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
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the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.