Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.