I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks