Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

Every work meeting this week

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.