Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

Good lord

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth