ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
An odd boast
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation