Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

Bruh PLEASE

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies