Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.